the ones i counted on

are my friends.
pauline, alvin, colin, joshua, alan, justin and rei.
they knocked senses into me before i fall deeper into my void.
the other day, rei was asking how things have gone for me.
she advised me to compromise and not to give up.
it got me thinking deeper on what i really want.
i want my interests and my relationship.
how can i go about doing it?

yesterday, after having a fun dinner with the berries, i met the gang.
we went to 'The Fragipani' bar at Gilman, near Alexander.
a pretty cool place. reminded me of an island resort.
the guys started making plans for joshua, alvin and colin's birthday.
pauline and i started talking about jobs.
i was really happy for her, terence and alan on their new jobs.
the 3 of them intended to give us a big treat later at Shangri-La hotel.
i became a little upset with myself after the jobs' talk.
i could have gone all the way to push myself into job hunting but i didn't.
i could have secure a better job that im really happy working in.
but i didn't.. i choose cowardice instead.
i daren't as i feel i have lost touch with the outside world after sloughing 7 damn years there.
the comfort zone has made me lose confidence in myself.
and that is very unhealthy. where is the old me?
the cheerful, confident me is tucked away inside my shell.

as the fun evening progressed, i decided to let terence know of my japan trip.
that was one wrong choice.
he became quiet and didn't want to talk to me. he distanced himself.
i got really upset after he refused to let me pay for my own drinks.
these are all minor things but i guess it was due to all the compressed feelings inside me.
i just exploded.
i hopped on a taxi and headed home, leaving them.
i must have shocked them :(
instead of going home, i just sat opposite my block and cried my eyes out.
it was around 1am.
ridiculous thoughts went around in my head and i started to resent myself even more.
and the relationship.

i thought they went home but instead all of them came to my place.
the rest of the guys went somewhere else while pauline and colin talked sense into me.
they told me from a girl and guy's p.o.v. and why terence will react this way.
both of us are just like this:

after a long serious talk, i've made my mind to walk in the same direction.
i will be sensible and compromise to make the best out of it.

without these guys, i don't know where i would be.
i've been keeping things deep in my heart and didn't want to tell anymore.
putting on a false front and always acting happy.
i finally let it out.
it is time to throw away that 'happy' mask.
i promise them that i will be a stronger person.
i will not let these friends down for they truly believe in me.
they love me for who i am.
they share my tears, joys and sorrows.
we have been growing with each other through the years.
seeing pauline and alvin getting married, joshua and marlene's stablising relationship, hanging out doing nothing or simply just pigging out.
these are my friends whom i know i can always count on.
the ones who listen to me and help me grow.

i love u guys from the bottom of my heart.