yo yo

state still..
it seems like i can't get myself out of this cycle.
they want me to drop my hobby. totally.
no viewing of vids, no songs, no perf, etc.
total cut off.
what is this?
an exchange for a relationship.
a relationship that was once almost perfect till i wreck it 2 yrs back.
i told them to give me one month.
am i able to do it?
he, himself, agrees that it is very selfish & demanding.
afterall, i've been watching these stuffs for the past 10yrs.
even before i knew him..
i need to remove my source of entertainment in order to make the relationship work.
he can't bring himself to hate me.
so he will hate the thing that bring me away from him.
he said he cannot live with the fact that my hobby is a major part of my life.

my heart is slashed once again.
not with a knife now.
but a chain saw.

it is either him or my entertainment.

my best friend told me that
'losing him is one thing. losing yourself is another. '
am i really losing myself?
i realise i love him more than i thought.
to the extend that i'm trying to drop my hobby..
to the extend that i know i'm losing my own identity.

i don't want to think anymore.
why am i force to make this decision?
my mum is not even forcing me to drop anything.
随缘 is her reply..
what about him & his family?
i MUST ABANDON my fav things.

can i just die?