心雨

我好累.
可是为何我又睡不着？

listening to 心雨 - 周杰伦

上梢的黑月牙
白色的竹篱笆
好想告诉我的她
这里像幅画
去年的圣诞卡
记忆在你的芜杂
画面开始没有她
我还在装傻
说好为我跑挖草
学习摆弄它
学生宿舍空荡荡的角
守着电话却等不到她
心里的雨倾盆的下
也沾不湿她的发
本应该明显跟上的牵挂
那伤心原来没有时差
心里的雨倾盆的下
却始终淋不到她
寒风经过院子里的枝芽
也冷却了我手中的鲜花

心里的雨倾盆的下
也沾不湿她的发
本应该明显跟上的牵挂
那伤心原来没有时差
心里的雨倾盆的下
却始终淋不到她
寒风经过院子里的枝芽
也冷却了我手中的鲜花

digital heart

this cf is sad..
everlasting love?

random~
東方神起 3rd jib = 좋아해!
'이제 막 시작된 이야기' 'i'll be there' & 'on & on' are ♡

'O'-正.反.合 - 東方神起
[믹키] Yo! U-Know Let's try some noisy beat.

[유노] "O"-"O"-"O" let's do this.

[영웅] 한걸음 물러서 지금 이 시대를 돌아본다면
[믹키] 원리도, 원칙도, 절대 진리도 없는 것
[영웅] 시대 안의 그대 모습은 언제나 반(反) 이었나..
[믹키] 현실에 없는 이상(理想)은 이상형일 뿐 " O " ([최강]So Why you diggin')

[시아] " O "-----
[최강] 이제 난 두려워, 반대만을 위한 반대
[시아] " O "-----
[최강] 끝도 없이 표류하게 되는 걸

[All] 나 이제 찾는 건, 합(合)을 위한 노력일 뿐 나와 같은 손을, 한 외침을 꿈이 실현 되는 걸 갈망하는 자여.. 그대 곁에 정의라는 모습의 용기를

[유노] You, Know, 절대 절명, 그대들의 논쟁엔 논리가 없어 누구도, 듣지 못하면, 열지 못하면, 절대 해답을 찾을 수 없어
[믹키] 난 가야 돼, 가야 돼. 나의 반(反)이 정(正). 바로 정(正). 바로잡을 때까지, 정.반.합 의 노력이, 언젠가 이 땅에, 꿈을 피워 낼거야..

[시아] 작은 꿈이라 해도 모두 같은 곳을 바라본다면,
[최강] 끝도 없이 새로워져, 없던 길도 만들어가..
[시아] 나의 반(反)의 무게로 흐름들을 막아서는 안되지
[최강] 언제나 공존할 수 있는 걸..

[영웅] " O "-----
[믹키] 모든 게 두려워, 나의 길은 맞는 걸까
[영웅] " O "-----
[유노] 목적 없는 싸움들은 아닌가

[시아] 아름다운 조화를, 변함없는 믿음을 만들 수가 있다면..
[영웅] 한 그루의 나무가 되어, 더 큰 숲을 이루는 게 가치 있을 거야..

[유노] 우린 큰 시련들을 경험했었지. 마치 암흑 속에 있는 것
[믹키] 잘못된 선택이라 후회한다 해도, 절대
[All] 멈추지는 마.. 멈추지는 마.

[최강] " O "-----
[시아] 두려워 하지마, 삶은 계속 되고 있어
[최강] " O "-----
[시아] 이제 모든 건, 제자리를 찾는 것

[All] 나 이제 찾는 건, 합(合)을 위한 노력일 뿐 나와 같은 손을, 한 외침을 꿈이 실현 되는 걸 갈망하는 자여.. 그대 곁에 정의라는 모습의 용기를

[유노] 네가 속한 사회는 모두 정,반,합(正.反.合)의 흐름 속에서
[믹키] 끝도 없이 새로워져, 없던 길도 만들어가..
[영웅,최강] 나의 반(反)의 무게로 흐름들을 막아서는 안되지
[최강] Ah--

[All] " O "-----

reflection

it is really not worth to wait?
it is really true that he is heartless?
it is really a fact that he is so cold?
so determined to carry with his own life without me involved?
how could a person changed so fast?
was it a build-up tension that affect him so much?
why was i not sensitive enough to sense it?
so what if i did?
will it improve the situation?
it is really too late to do anything now.
why?
because he is no longer putting me in 1st place.
i guess i've not been in the 1st place.
someone else whom i respected is in his 1st place.
the decisions he made is partly based on this person.
it hurts like crazy to know how he has changed...
why must things turn out this way?
fate is only 8 yrs?
he is dumping everything aside without thinking of the many things we have been through...
what does it show?
clara is a failure.

假装

不要敷衍我.
i meant what i said.
i'm letting go.
u + me = buddies

watching 蔡依林 - 假装

呼吸着一种孤独的味道
心跳在你沉默以后慢慢的被淡忘掉
我笑了笑反正你看不到
我要的幸福
遗落在你怀抱
当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮
走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰
假装多好我只要
只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待
还心甘情愿的不想逃

当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮
走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰
假装多好我只要
只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待
心甘情愿不想逃
假装多好依然是
依然是暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套
像是驼鸟
相信时间是唯一解药
视而不见
傻到了无可救药
其实早明了
你的爱已随风飘
想要找
再也找不到
假装多好我只要
只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
还心甘情愿的不想逃
假装多好依然是
依然是暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套
假装自己
已解开冰冷的手铐

白色风车

我要我的白色风车~
falling sick
my throat & head hurt like crazy
must be down with the flu

watching 周杰伦 - 白色风车

白色的风筝 安静的纯真
真实的感觉 梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水 复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着 握住我的手
梦希望没有尽头 我们走到这就好
因为我不想太快走完这幸福

很可惜没有祝福 但爱你并不孤独
不会再让你哭 我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头 你紧紧地抱住我
说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由

我不懂你说什么 反正不会松手
我陪你走到最后 能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手 晚一点再到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间

谢谢你让我听见 因为我在等待永远

退后

爱... 真的这么容易就能消失吗？
为何我的心是那么的痛？
为何我的泪总是在眼角？
为何我不能像一个男子汉？
说忘就忘..
说放手就放手..

listening to 周杰伦 - 退后

天空灰的像哭过
离开你以后
并没有更自由
酸酸的空气
守住我们的距离
一幕醉心的结局
像呼吸般无法停息

抽屉泛黄的日记
找到了回忆
那笑容是傻气
你我的过去
被深深真的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情
存心的眼泪是多余

我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去

天空灰的像哭过
离开你以后
并没有更自由
酸酸的空气
守住我们的距离
一幕醉心的结局
像呼吸般无法停息

抽屉泛黄的日记
找到了回忆
那笑容是傻气
你我的过去
被深深真的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情
存心的眼泪是多余

我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情会一定带去

我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去(待续)
(相信你我还会有开始
只因我们都没有错)

deserted

it is raining so heavily now..
just like my little beating heart.
the grey skies added more gloom to my miseries..

i thought the love is timeless...
i thought it will be everlasting...
i thought we will give it a shot to make it work...

why is the person i'm penning for not giving me the attention?
instead it is the rest of the guys?
i don't want them to call/sms/msn me...
what i want is him...
don't just brush me away like i'm some other acquaintance..
i'm not just another someone..
i'm not..

there are so many things going on in my heart, mind & soul...
pls. enlighten me...
someone tell me what to do...

难道就这样的说忘就忘吗？

timeless mv part 01

timeless mv part 02

drama

my life is a mini drama..
or in fact, each of us have a drama..
mine is full of crap & confusion.
topik was crappy.. i don't know if i will do well.
the only thing i was happy for awhile was meeting him.
both of us had been busy with our own things for the month.
finally have the time to meet up.

'the devil wears prada' is good.
i like it.. somehow i feel i'm like andy.
a newbie at work, trying hard to cope & excel.
somehow she changes & her loved ones cannot accept it.
a movie is still a movie. it has a happy ending.
her relationship takes on a new turn but for me..
it is a totally let-down.
i just realised it has been exactly 1 month.
we agreed to give it a try again but now he told me to go on with our own lives.
he realised it is more than kpop..
the special feeling has disappeared into the thin air.
reminiscence does not exist in a guy's world.
my best friend told me that before.. and he did too..
why are guys so heartless?
or maybe women are too soft-hearted?

why am i crying again? i told myself not to cry.
when he told me the ugly truth, it took me awhile to register as i turned to unlock the door.
my tears just roll down. like it is on auto pilot.
it took me 1 min to realise what he was trying to put across & i called him.
it was an awful time trying to stay calm...
it is a blow after another blow.
how many more to go?
somehow i broke down again.
it is.. no.. it was 8 years.
not 8 min. not 8 hrs. not 8 days. not 8 months. but 8 years.
he was sorry to give me the wrong idea...
to him, he feel that i will have no problem of meeting & finding a guy better than him.
but he don't understand that is not what i want.
i want our relationship to work.
sitting next to him & talk is what i dread most..
for i know things will never ever be the same again.
i do not want to lose him as a friend.. to me, he is more than a friend.
he is someone whom i grow up with..
sharing many ups & downs. through thin & thick.
people always say it is no good to be in a relationship for too long.
and it will be better to pick the person who loves u more than u love him/her.
why can't humans love with an open heart?
love that someone who all your might whole-heartedly?

people have been giving me advice that 3-4 years into the relationship is good enough for marriage.
so was it wrong that i was not ready for marriage at 25?
when i'm ready, it is far too late.
everything has taken onto the wrong path.
so wrong that it costs me our happiness.
i don't give a f*cking damn to evo 9 or those krn guys.
that is NOT what i want.
all i want is him, our friends & the good o' times.
i miss all the times we share, at home, at the bees' place, little nemo, swimming, tennis, gym, ktv, movies, chilling out..
2 months back, we were still laughing at steph & josh for dishing out their silly moments when they were together.
now, i can picture the jokes will be us.
i did not ever think that will happen but it did.
i miss the gang...
why do i feel so lost...?
i'm trying hard to adapt to my new life with him as my new best friend.
am i able to do it?
accept the damn cold fact that he has chosen to let it go.
he has chosen the path to be alone.
me? what will i choose?
why did my most feared moments come true?
i don't know what cause the special feelings to disppear..
is there no way to rekindle it?
why must he force me to turn my attention to other guys?
i don't want..
what i want is my old life back...
i want a time machine.
bring me back to 1999.
let me go back to the past and let me dwell.
i want to be that sunshine girl.
i don't want to wake up from my dream.

tell me what happened just now is just a nightmare..

ANYTHING can happen.
& NOTHING last forever.

give me love...
pls..
give me the strength to love someone again..

listening to 그녀를 사랑해줘요 by 하동균

잠깐 기다려줄래.
지금 데리러 갈게.
왜 자꾸 울기만 하니.
말해, 말해. 어디에 있니.

니가 사랑하는 사람이,
너를 두고 간 거니.
집으로 데려다 줄게.
가자, 가자. 바람이 차가우니까.

너를 울리는 그 사람이,
뭐가 그렇게 좋으니.

너는 모르지, 너만 모르지.
너를 사랑하는 내 맘을.
걸음이 느린 내가 먼저 가지 못해서,
내 자릴 뺏긴 아픈 사랑을.

너의 웃는 모습이 누구 보다 예쁜지,
그 사람 알기나 하니.
정말, 정말. 알고도 너를 울리니.

이름 모르는 당신에게 부탁 하나만 하는데.
사랑해줘요, 사랑해줘요. 내가 사랑하는 그녀를.
당신이 나 대신에 가진, 나의 그녀를.
함부로 다룰 생각하면 안돼요.

사랑해줘요, 내 마음도 몰라주는 그녀를.
그녀가 사랑하는 사람, 당신이니까.
나 보다 많이 사랑해줘요.
다시는 울리지는 말아요.

cold

now i know why i feel so lethargic.
down with a cold :(

blah~ i ought to meet my best friend when she asked me to head down to Velvet..
have not club for a long time & i reckon it will be good to unwind.
i feel so lifeless...

sickening

i feel irritated.
last min meeting notices given at least twice this week.

and why do i feel sad when he said he is going for a guys' night with our friends?
for once, i feel down when i hear that :(
my best friend is out with her friends.
i feel i've no life after i landed myself in this new job.
working till late & feeling so tired..
i just feel crappy...

i'm sick of working late.
i'm sick of getting stuck in the traffic jams.
i'm sick of having no life.
i'm sick......

sigh.. i should go & study hard
stop lamenting...

홍콩

상현: 11월에 홍콩 갈래?
나: .....

hmmmm.. weird..
진짜 이상해~

i should be in bed..
been lacking proper sleep since last month........

zzzZZzzzzzz

dread

i do not feel like going to work...
it is only 2 weeks & i feel crappy...
feel so lost & incompetent...
i hate this feeling...
all the new terms & the work i have to do is driving me nuts...

withdrawal~

i miss 신화~
i miss 동방~
i miss 슈주~
i miss 태국~
i miss the fanmeeting~
i miss 성민's surprised face when i spoke korean~
i miss 한경's look when i spoke mandarin~
i miss 시원's face when he heard me speaking mandarin to 한경~
i miss 예성's sexy look when i walked over~
i miss 신동's shocked face when i told him of the birthday present~
i miss 은혁's shy look when i spoke to him..

i'm missing so many things...

桃花

this can't be true right....
상현씨..
god.. i don't know what to do now...
all these things are driving me bonkers...

at a loss

it feels weird..
the long awaited day has passed..
i've met many people during this big event and it has been an eye-opener.
it leaves me with many many wonderful memories that will last me well for the life time..
it is something that i will never ever forget...
from all access to a meal..
seeing 신화 in a different light <333
연곤~ 난 정말 감동해요...
all the things u have done for me..
there is not a word i can use to express my deepest gratitude...
i feel like i'm lost or something..
i wonder why....
feeling so empty~

^o^

전진 recognises me =)
i bow & he bows back~
helen says he is staring at me :x
i guess he remembers me as the girl backstage~
this would be the 3rd time he acknowledges me~
that night after the concert, he was walking out with 앤디, he smiled & bowed at me~
gaga~~ i don't want to wash my right hand after i was introduced to him =P
he is really friendly & smiley <3
민진성 짱~

i saw the goodemg's photographer~
lol~ when i saw him, i will recall what bea said on the concert day~
he was taking pics of us with the banner.
bea: "他是在 aim rara 的！"
erm.. he was focusing his camera up & down and.. erm.. yeah~
after the pics were taken, i asked if we can preview and he smiled very shyly.
lol~ he is cute =D


연곤 called 상현 this morning saying that he misses me..
sigh.. i didn't even know he went back to kr yesterday~
feeling down..
i thought i could at least see him before the team fly back..
sigh.. he is always the one to fly home 1st..

stunned

dirty 혜성~~ ㅋㅋ
he wore back the same t shirt & cap that he wore to manna!
i wonder how he stand it..
bbq smell.. eeks~
동완 the dork~ he tried to drink from our water jug :x
l.u.g is.. ah~ they sat together ^^
so sweet~

ga~ feeling so lost~
연곤씨.. 당신는...
나는.. 할 말을 잃은..

cherry love

i'm shaking right now..
1.30am is a moment that i will never ever forget...
민우.. 사랑해~~
연곤.. 진짜 감동해요~

state of the art is now a state of shock for me..
overwhelmed..
no.. that is not the word to use..
i can't pick a word to describe my inner most feelings now.
it is more than a dream come true.. really....
the gift is something i did not ask for...
it really caught me off guard...

i feel like crying..
tears of gratitude and happiness...

drained

goodness... i can't believe i'm so tired..
had a really long long day.
in fact, i just got home..

finally know my job scope..
whoa.. a totally new expertiste.
i'm going to be meeting lots of nurses, docs & patients...
very challenging~~
i hope i can meet or surpass their expectations..

think i'm going to sleep soon.

...

i'm feeling so depressed after the dinner with them.
the promotion.. sigh.. oh.. never mind........
it is pointless crying over split milk.

mr andy.. he is such an interesting person ^^
i was so surprised that him said 'i love u' after i booked the cab.
lol~ i know it was a joke.
i felt sad when he was heading back to Seoul.
he is really a very very nice person.
very honoured to know he trusted us..

mr charles.. hmm.. there is something about him that makes me think..
he is cute.. i don't know..
i don't find him cute when i 1st met him a few days back :x
i'm such a weirdo~

mr jackie.. haha~ such a dork..
i'm so glad to know 윤호 is such a great person <3

mr shin.. u r truly a respected person....
i don't know how to express my heartfelt thanks to him..

1st day

of work at NUH was fun! ^^
my orientation classmates are nice!
i'm loving this place~
it gives me a strong sense of pride!

恨你

我好想好想恨你

我了解
你只活在记忆里头
原谅你的残酷理由
人类的心是个无底洞
没有好感再尝试也没有用
大多数人都相同
喜欢的只是爱情的脸孔

我好怨卷这样的生活
也许活着是一种悲哀
有些事情就是看不开
世上是否真的有好聚好散

我和他已变成了世上最熟悉的陌生人了

i will never forget the pact to go to kr 2 yrs later from now.
i will not devote my time to any guys.
that krn guy is just a friend, nothing else.
i will not turn to him just because he supports my interst.
i'm at my most weakest state but i still can differentiate rights from wrongs.
my heart, mind & soul hurts like crazy but i will not choose to hurt another person.
i will rather hurt myself & drown in my own sorrows.

will i lose myself along the way?

frankly, i've no idea.